Long story made short

 Questioning past decision based on the present level of satisfaction, especially when the present is not as we had pictured it, is typical of human beings. I’ve understood there could be two ways to face the reality of what we perceive as a “failure” (which, by the way, it is not to be ever considered as such): deny that we failed and carry on by convincing ourselves it’s what we always wanted to do, it’s the right way to do things, or accept that we are humans and it is OK to try something different if that makes us feel better (re-entering the decision-satisfaction loop).

While working towards a PhD degree, and later as a postdoctoral researcher, I mulled over a change in my career a few times. I had joined a research institute, a fresh master degree in computer science, to do oh my! bioinformatics. I liked the sound of that, as I saw bioinformatics as probably the most interesting and greatest application of computer science. I didn’t know whether I’d like it or not in the long run, but the beginning was just learning and amazement.

After several years my curiosity somehow started to decline, and I couldn’t understand what the underlying cause was.

More or less at the same time I was suggested to try a publication-based PhD. It sounded a good deal: no need to attend classes, no tuition fees, work a full time job as before but with the intention to publish something. I knew about this PhD deal since the beginning of my career, but I didn’t take the chance at that time, I wasn’t ready just yet. But years later, a little demotivated but willing to try a new challenge, I jumped on the bandwagon. After all, how do I know whether I like to do a PhD if I have not even tried?

The more I worked towards obtaining the degree, the more I thought it was not exactly what I was after. I even went further, thinking I should have not picked computer science at all to begin with (PhD blues, perhaps?)…But, see, I love science, I love research, but somehow I didn’t feel I was good at it. You may call it imposter syndrome, or maybe just not enough of the commitment the role requires, or maybe the specific environment I was in…I don’t know. But two things were clear to me towards the end of the course: that I didn’t want a career in academia, and that I loved to review/edit manuscripts.

The latter was a pleasant discovery, and the more I wrote and co-wrote papers, the more I enjoyed the activity, and I started thinking that I had found an alternative path to science. I finished the PhD, although it caused me a serious meltdown (as I guess it did to many of us), because there is no way I leave something unfinished if I can help it. Besides, no matter what one goes through during the course, no matter how easy or difficult it is, at the end we earn a degree, a qualification that is there to stay and shows we have tried and succeeded.

Nearly at the end of my PhD I thought I was ready to then leave academia. Well, not completely, as I was still considering to become a scientific editor: becoming an editor meant keeping a strong connection with science, it meant to be exposed to science and learn constantly, without the toxicity of the whole academic system (yeah, well, to some degree). I finally came to terms with my past decisions: I enjoy DOING science, contributing to science, but I can only do it in an environment where the harsh rules of academia don’t apply.

However, while I tried to get closer to being an editor, I started a postdoc. After all I have said about not wanting a career in academia…was I crazy? Not at all. I simply couldn’t find another job while still living in the same city (wasn’t yet thinking of moving elsewhere)…so I resorted to try and stay where I was (given they wanted me), which was, all considered, one of the best workplaces I could be. So, yes, I was somehow repeating a pattern, trying the ultimate test: do I really, really want to leave academia? Would I actually like to be a postdoctoral researcher? Would it be better if I instead joined a different organization? I had to know, and there was no other way of knowing except trying, so I jumped on this bandwagon as well.

The result was, again, that I did like the research bits, the doing science and contributing to research bits, I just didn’t like the pressure within the academic setting…the publish or perish dilemma is rubbish to me, the impervious and ever narrowing road to tenure is simply not a road I want to be on. Meanwhile, as a postdoc I was invited to review papers as well, which got me more convinced that a scientific editor job would suit me more. I recently managed to enter that world, even though not as my primary job…let’s call it experience building activity. More on this to come.

Eventually I left the organization, and the country, and I am living everyone’s nightmare: the search for a new job, clearly oriented towards academia nemesis, the industry. Am I still trying to get on the scientific editing bandwagon though? Yes, of course. Do I want to keep using my bioinformatics skills? Yes to this, too. Would a hybrid role as a biotech bioinformatician with an eye on research publishing be what I am after? Will I be able to merge the two professions or will I face a choice eventually?

Difference makes experience

I have been in England for about 5 weeks now, and my days are much different than those in Sicily. Not just because of the place, but also because of what I do during the day.

In Sicily I was dedicating my time to work (to finish what I was doing in Japan), family, rest, job hunting, but most of everything I was either walking around the family property and pick fruits from trees or suntanning…

Here in England I am -for the moment- not working, unless you call job hunting a job of course. Indeed, I did up my game here, not only in terms of applying to as many job ads as possible, but also in terms of meeting people, networking as much as distancing rules and introductions to friends/colleagues allow. I am even trying freelancing so I can at least do something helpful finance-wise and keep busy.

But that’s not all. I moved to a new country so I have to take care of all the things one normally takes care of when moving and undergoing such a drastic change. As a result, I am more anxious here than I was in Sicily, obviously, and that is having an impact: I rather study/read/job hunt/house hunt rather than doing sports, for instance, or exploring the city I will be living in for the next years, or anything that takes time from my “important” activities…I shall change that and set priorities better, for the sake of my wellbeing or I’ll become soon useless enough to even find a job.

Speaking of jobs, having worked in the public sector (research institute) all the time, I never knew how things were done elsewhere; now that I am applying for jobs in industry I see how different these two worlds are….and I see how differently I will have to do things. Then there is the cultural aspect: Japan and UK are different in both working culture and social culture, and whatever habits I grew into in previously might not be the same habits I will develop here. But I am up for the challenge, every occasion contributes to make my life richer with experience.

At least, I can tick one thing off the to-worry list: the house search is over and I am so glad I don’t have to deal with phone calls and bookings and rental applications anymore! Not that the thing per se is complicated, but it is annoying due to all the covid-19 restrictions. Right now it’s not allowed to view houses in person, so if I want to see one I would get a video tour, and I mean not professional tours…what I mean is an agent goes to the house, takes a smartphone video of all rooms and sends it (if pressed enough to do it quickly) to me. That’s useless, let me tell you, because I can’t properly see the house, have an idea of the space, whether there are damages or such. Anyway, most of the times the house was already gone (I mean rented) before I could even ask to view it. But finally I have secured a house and all this nonsense is history. 

Furniture shopping awaits now, something to really look forward to. Let the fun begin.

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Sono in Inghilterra da circa cinque settimane e le mie giornate sono molto diverse da quelle in Sicilia, non solo per il luogo ma anche per come impiego il tempo.

In Sicilia mi dedicavo a lavoro (per finire quello che facevo in Giappone), famiglia, riposo, ricerca di impiego, ma soprattutto non facevo altro che o raccogliere frutta nell’orto o abbronzarmi…

Qui in Inghilterra sono -per il momento- senza lavoro, a meno che non chiamiamo lavoro la ricerca di un lavoro, chiaramente. E difatti qui ho alzato la posta, non solo in fatto di numero di annunci, ma anche in fatto di conoscere gente nuova, creare contatti, per quanto le regole di distanziamento e la frequenza delle presentazioni permettano. Sto anche cercando di avviarmi come freelancer, cosi almeno faccio qualcosa per le mie finanze e mi tengo occupata. Ma non e’ tutto. Ricordiamoci che mi sono trasferita in un’altra nazione e quindi devo anche occuparmi di tutto quello che c’e’ da fare quando ci si trasferisce e si fanno cambiamenti tanto drastici.

Il risultato e’ che sono più ansiosa qui che in Sicilia, e tutto ciò sta avendo un impatto: vedo che passo più tempo a studiare/cercare lavoro/cercare casa/migliorarmi piuttosto che, ad esempio, fare attività fisica o esplorare la città in cui vivrò per i prossimi anni, o qualsiasi cosa sia che prende tempo alle attività “importanti”….questa situazione va cambiata, altrimenti fa a finire che non sarò manco in grado di trovare un lavoro.

A proposito di lavoro, avendo da sempre lavorato per il settore pubblico (ovvero istituto di ricerca), non ho mai avuto idea di come andassero le cose in altri settori; ora che sto cercando nel settore privato mi rendo conto di quanto diversi siano questi mondi, e mi rendo conto anche che devo fare le cose diversamente. Poi c’e’ da aggiungere anche l’aspetto culturale: il Giappone e il Regno Unito sono diversi, sia nella cultura lavorativa che nella società, e quali che fossero le mie abitudini maturate in precedenza, non saranno le stesse che prenderò qui. Ma vada per la sfida, tanto ogni occasione e’ buona per accumulare esperienze.

Per lo meno posso gia depennare un elemento dalla lista delle cose di cui preoccuparsi: la ricerca della casa e’ finita e ne sono più che felice perché non mi devo finalmente sbattere tra chiamate e prenotazioni e richieste d’affitto! Non che la cosa di suo sia complicata, ma e’ fastidiosa per via delle restrizioni da covid-19. Al momento ad esempio non si possono vedere le case di persona, quindi se ho interesse faccio richiesta all’agenzia che, dopo continue pressioni e richieste, mi manda un video, ma non uno professionale, uno fatto dall’agente con il loro smartphone. Ora sta cosa e’ del tutto inutile perché non si riesce a capire lo stato dell’immobile, la grandezza delle stanze, o se ci sono danni. Che poi non ci arrivo quasi mai a questo, infatti le case sono gia prese prima ancora che io possa piazzare una richiesta. Ma ora ho una casa, e tutte sta peripezie sono ormai acqua passata.

Ora mi aspettano gli acquisti per l’arredo, per cui non vedo l’ora di incominciare. Che il divertimento abbia inizio.