Monday, April 22, 2013

F**k science, I am going to Bali!

Days have been tougher than I expected, tougher than they were supposed to be. No matter how the weather is outside, I am a gloomy, feisty, easily irritated person, misanthropist more often than not. These are the moments when I think that staying was not a good idea. I don't know exactly when it happened, but lately things are not interesting to me anymore, and actually I easily get more annoyed than pleased…and I see many things that I don't like (that is, I don't stand/appreciate anymore).

I don't like the office, cold, then hot, then cold again, so cold (my nice new desk is right under the a/c air blow) that I am sure one day I will eat my own brain ice cream for lunch, then noisy, then noise comes from the factories right nearby, or from the corridor.

Meetings are frustrating, with some not showing up on time or not showing up at all, a topic gets stretched too long, others are almost skipped, some don't have enough time to speak because others love to hear the sound of their voices, English doesn't seem to be widely used or even known…and I know that the challenges of speaking a foreign language can be too hard to win, but still…People talk (and some do talk A LOT) but in the end no talk is really done, the message is not conveyed. Group tele-conferences are unnerving, because people essentially don't care about the fact that others might want to try and listen to the voice coming from the speakers…they chat, they giggle, they whisper (we are not at school, helloooooo!), they can't refrain from unpacking snacks….remember that you are not alone and your movements disturb others, dammit.

I don't even like my job right now, because it makes me feel like I am chasing ghosts, or I am reinventing the wheel again and again, one day of progress is followed by four others of regress, I feel stupid and can't do much about it, and when I stare at the screen without answers I think that, yes, I should have not stayed. No,wait! That I don't like my job is not a correct statement…I do like my job, yes, but I believe I am not suited for this new phase. Yeah, that's more it.

Now that I have this position as a research associate, I feel a switch was pressed in my head, and -wow- suddenly everything changed, the way I see things changed. I feel a different pressure, I have a different responsibility, I do question every single decision I make in my daily job, I am never satisfied, I get frustrated more and more every day as I don't seem I am grasping the answer, I don't have it, I don't see it, I don't know where to find it. Is this how it is supposed to be? Boss says I am actually doing alright, and I should take it easier…probably I reckon I am taking everything too personal, to put it simply.

And, cherry on top of a cake, how can that area where RIKEN is be SO DAMN WINDY AND COLD every day of the year???

F**k science, I am going to Bali!!

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